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I have friends who constantly rave about my incredible dating experiences. It is not a matter of chance, I always advise them to utilise the apps but to resist the app culture.
In this era of constant connectivity and instant access to information, it is disheartening to observe that a significant number of young individuals experience feelings of loneliness. They are not lacking options when it comes to companionship; in fact, they have an abundance of choices.
One of the factors contributing to the popularity of social media apps, including dating apps, is their ability to replicate relationships and create a wide network of connections. The issue at hand, however, is that building meaningful relationships inherently demands time and effort. So, individuals experience a continuous sense of being connected, perhaps a slight feeling of “romance,” but none of these connections hold any real depth. Many users may have the perception that they have access to a vast pool of potential dates, only to find themselves not going on any actual dates.
According to a survey conducted by Harvard, a significant number of young people report feeling chronically lonely despite the abundance of dating apps available. Pew reports that a significant proportion of 40-year-olds in America have never tied the knot, reaching a record high of twenty-five percent. There has been a noticeable decrease in sexual activity, as indicated by reports referring to this trend as a “sex recession” or a “sex drought.” In 2018, a quarter of adults reported not engaging in any sexual activity, with the number of individuals aged 18-29 experiencing this doubling over the past ten years. And when it comes to the sexual encounters that occur, the numbers are quite astonishingly noncommittal. It seems that the current generation is highly connected, yet paradoxically, they also experience a sense of isolation.
In a recent interview with the Financial Times, Hinge CEO Justin McLeod acknowledged that users are feeling overwhelmed and experiencing “dating app burnout.”
“There is a lot happening, with a large crowd of people, and it is becoming difficult to distinguish individuals. The atmosphere is becoming less lively,” McLeod expressed.
On the opposite side of things, many users experience minimal activity. Many people experience burnout in their search for a connection. They put in a lot of effort, sending out likes and hoping for reciprocation, only to find themselves without enough activity to even go on a single date. And why would they, when there is little to differentiate one user from another?
Countless articles have been written in recent years detailing people’s exasperation with the never-ending process of swiping.
“‘A Decade of Fruitless Searching’: The Toll of Dating App Burnout,” an article from the New York Times.
“The Rise of Dating-App Fatigue,” an article from The Atlantic.
“Dating burnout,” according to The Guardian, internet dating can sometimes feel soul-destroying, unnerving, and transactional.
One could argue that the apps, with their abundance of potential matches, may hinder the possibility of forming meaningful connections. However, this explanation may fall short. There are also numerous marriages that began with a swipe.
The issue lies not with the apps themselves, but rather with the prevailing culture surrounding them.
It is unfortunate how some individuals view “matches” as easily replaceable and fail to recognise their unique qualities and complexities. Just not the apps themselves.
During my time in New York City in my 20’s, I observed my friends actively participating in a series of dating experiences. They had a busy week of meeting new people, but unfortunately, one of them seemed to lose interest quickly. I never bothered to remember any names of the characters in their stories. It was not necessary for me to make the effort. There will be a fresh face for Monday, Wednesday, and someone new they will be “talking to” next week.
Check out the chat feature in their dating app, the inbox has a layout like this:
Conversation A: Hey, how is it going?
Conversation B: Hey, how is it going?
Conversation C: What are you doing?
Conversation D-L: Hey, how are you doing?
Conversation M: Any plans for the weekend?
Conversation N: Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Conversation O: Hey, what are you up to?
Repeating hundreds of times, over the course of years — this is likely what McLeod was referring to when he mentioned “burnout.” If not exhausted, then simply uninterested. A group of my friends have decided to permanently quit using dating apps. However, it became increasingly difficult to socialise with others. And here you are, starting over from the beginning, reaching the age of 28, and eventually turning 30, perhaps even considering adopting a dog.
So when I joined an app — Hinge, actually — when I was 25, I decided to approach things from a different perspective. I tried out the app and uninstalled it within 24 hours.
The original intention was to meet a single individual. First. And go out on a romantic outing with them. Perhaps, with any luck, a couple of appointments. However, I decided to uninstall the app right before my first date, and only reinstalled it once I was certain that it would not work out with that person. That is all. No person who enjoys Mondays, no person who enjoys Wednesdays, and no person who enjoys talking to anyone else. Only one individual can be accommodated at a time, even if there may be another person available on Thursday. I was actually going to give the person I would meet a chance to have my attention.
Another aspect of my plan was to avoid starting a conversation with the generic phrase, “Hey, what is up?” I was planning to engage in a conversation with someone who had interesting things to share, as indicated by the prompts on their profile. I prefer engaging in conversations when there is something meaningful to discuss or inquire about, something that I find interesting or would like to respond to.
So I began swiping, and after a short while, I found a match. The profile features a collection of lovely photos, with the user identifying as a student at the School of Visual Arts. As you continue scrolling, you will notice that their religious affiliation is Jewish. Furthermore, the profile indicates a preference for a lifestyle free from drinking, smoking, and drugs.
“What kind of artist does not have any vices?” I asked as I initiated a conversation.
My phone buzzed a few minutes later, “Finding artistic inspiration through the practice of mindfulness.”
I recently came across mindfulness in a Maimonides book, and I mentioned it in my response.
A date was scheduled for 48 hours later in the next response.
Shared my contact information and uninstalled the dating application.
That date occurred five years ago, on January 21. We have tied the knot.
Apps do not contribute to feelings of loneliness. What is causing a sense of isolation for many individuals is the tendency to view others as replaceable and superficial, reducing them to mere profiles on a screen. It seems that you are merely a two-dimensional profile, consisting of a photo and a one-sentence prompt, with very little to contribute beyond asking “wyd.”
Dating apps have completely transformed the way people approach dating and marriage. They are simply being utilised incorrectly. The key to a successful online dating experience is treating others, as well as yourself, with respect and value, just like in any other relationship.
Embrace the use of apps, but steer clear of the app culture.
